Tankapalooza 2018: How things are shaping up with two weeks to go

Their only recent victory came when Dennis Schroder scored 41 points against the Jazz, including 17 in the fourth quarter. He realized his mistake with two minutes left and committed a ridiculous flagrant foul on Ricky Rubio, but Utah refused to make a shot the rest of the way. It’s the first time a Hawk has scored 40 in a game since 2008, which is a great reason why Atlanta is tanking this year.

Schroder just learned he’s facing possible felony charges for a fight back in September, which tore his victim’s ACL. There’s no truth to the rumor that the victim’s blown-out knee made the Hawks consider signing him for the tanking stretch run. Dennis, please don’t tank your legal defense! Hire a lawyer, not Josh Magette!

Orlando Magic: (22-55. Last 10: 2-8)

This is a team that got off to a hot start, which makes the progress of this tank especially impressive — or depressing, your call. The Magic started 8-4 and were a semi-respectable 11-15 after an overtime loss to the Hawks on Dec. 6, one that could be very significant. The team has shut down Evan Fournier for the season and looks to be doing the same with Jonathan Simmons. First-rounder Jonathan Isaac might also be done with a foot injury, meaning he’ll end up with an Joel Embiid-like 25 games played.

On March 24, they took out Phoenix in a showdown with huge tank-off implications. That kicked off a six-game trip through the basement of the league for Orlando: Phoenix, Brooklyn and Chicago at home, on the road for Atlanta and the Knicks, then home for Dallas. CBS is going to package them together and call it March Sadness. Everyone’s bracket loses!

Dallas Mavericks: (23-52. Last 10: 3-7) 

The Mavs deserve a lot of credit for efficiently tanking, losing games in the clutch with a point differential of only -2.6. They’re as close to the Cavs in point differential as the Cavs are to Boston. That means they’re doing the little things to lose: bad timeouts, blown coverages, missed free throws — all the things a veteran players do when they want to make sure they’re playing (golf) in May.

Sacramento Kings: (24-52. Last 10: 3-7) 

The Kings are on a three-game losing streak, but they’re 6-9 since February. They picked the worst possible time to play with pride! Buddy Hield is leading the way with his hot shooting off the bench, meaning he’s right on pace for the Kings to trade him in two years for picks and cap relief. It’s unfortunate, because this team is losing its first-round pick next year, so the time to tank is now! The Kings really needed their last-second loss to Indiana, featuring a thrilling duel between Bojan Bogdanovic and Bogdan Bogdanovic. Sadly, Bonbon Bogdanovic is not in the draft this year, because we made him up.

They've got a huge tank week coming up with games against Memphis and Phoenix. It's time for Buddy Hield to pull his hamstring.

Chicago Bulls: (24-51. Last 10: 2-8) 

On an 0-7 streak, since Feb. 9 they’ve only won against other Tankapalooza teams — but they’ve beaten them five times. The Bulls were warned by the league not to shut down healthy players so they started Robin Lopez for a week, only played him 12 minutes a game, then started benching him again. Take that, Adam Silver! And take that, season ticket holders of Chicago! The Bulls’ strategy is simple: Play Noah Vonleh and Cameron Payne big minutes and wait for the losses to come. However, the Bulls have too many young players with potential, who can’t help but contribute and win the occasional game. Bobby Portis can’t punch all of them!

Brooklyn Nets: (24-51. Last 10: 4-6) 

Here’s the thing — they’re not actually tanking! Their 2018 pick belongs to the Cleveland Cavaliers, which might be why the Cavs are 3-1 against the Nets this year. The other, more important reason is that the Cavs have LeBron James, and the Nets are the Nets. They finally have their own first-rounder next year, so they’ve already been booked for Tankapalooza 2019.

New York Knicks: (27-49, Last 10: 3-7) 

Since January they’re 4-20, which is Michael Beasley’s favorite stat of the whole season. Unfortunately, the Knicks started the season far too strong, and Tankapalooza is not a sprint; it’s a marathon — by which we mean the run that Greek messenger Philippides made after the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C. Then he collapsed and died.

The Knicks had an eight-game losing streak early, during which Kristaps Porzingis blew out his knee and the tank truly began. They accidentally beat Orlando but managed to shake on the rust after that, losing another nine straight. Then they beat the Hornets by 23, after which Dwight Howard said, “Tonight we just laid an egg.” He also added, “Eggs make you fart, and I like that, because farts are hilarious.”

Then the Knicks beat Chicago by 18, an amazing stretch of dominance led by the resurgent Trey Burke. With Burke’s emergence and the earlier trade for Emmanuel Mudiay, the Knicks have been rehabilitating distressed former lottery picks, which is hurting their chances to get a fresh new one of their own.

Tankiest Play of the Month: With Memphis leading by a point with 1.8 seconds left, Tyreke Evans fouled Antonio Blakeney of the Bulls on a three-point attempt. He hit two out of three free throws, and Memphis lost its 19th straight. Fearing he could contribute to future victories, the Bulls shut down Blakeney for the season a week later. The Grizzlies responded by making Reke inactive for “personal reasons.” Tankapalooza, it’s fan-tastic!

Runner-up: Chriss blew a dunk against the Jazz, and while he was on the ground, Jared Dudley fouled Ricky Rubio hard to stop the Jazz fast break. While he didn’t get up to run back on defense, Chriss did spring up to take a cheap shot at Rubio. He and Dudley were ejected but, most crucially, not suspended, so they could help drive the tank into the promised land.