The only way to keep your sanity during fantasy FB season

If you’re anything like me, you look forward to July and August every year like you did Christmas when you were a kid. Fantasy football magazines start hitting the stands, and fantasy experts all start sharing their thoughts. That's when you think to yourself, “This is it! This is my year!” You have a bunch of friends over to your house, you all have your laptops and cheat sheets out, and the anticipation is killing you: 30. minutes. left.  

Finally Scott shows up with two cases of beer, Bud Light and Michelob Golden Light. Apparently someone likes the taste of crap beer while watching his figure. Everyone makes jokes, Scott tries to shake them off and Jason makes another beer run to get decent beer in the 30 minutes before the draft starts. Pizza shows up, Isaac is running late so he’s going to auto-draft the first two rounds... does any of this sound familiar?

And then, it happens. The draft countdown clock hits 00:01, 00:00. Boom. It just got real. You’re the fifth pick in the draft; who will be left for you? Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, OBJ and Adrian Peterson will all be gone, right? Do you take Gurley? Ugh. That offense is kinda rough. Take that rookie running back out of Ohio St.? Maybe... but they have a rookie under center. Tick tock, tick tock, TICK TOCK... somehow you ended up taking Gronk. Everyone laughs. Everyone reminds you that A.J. Green, David Johnson and Dez Bryant were still on the board. No matter, you shake it off and remind yourself that Gronk should feast with Brady at quarterback and be a solid outlet for Jimmy G while Brady is out. You’re defiant, and you know you’re going to nail the rest of the draft.

Second round comes and goes,and you take Eddie Lacy. Surely he will pull it together this year! Third round, Jamaal Charles. Fourth, Eric Decker. And so on, and so on. You look at your team at the end of the draft and have some stars and some scrubs, but the replacement-level players are solid enough that you’re excited about your team. Nobody else gives you much credit, but screw those guys, they’re just jealous because you stole Melvin Gordon and John Brown. Your team is stacked. This really might be the year!

Tuesday morning before Week 1 starts, you pull the trigger on a trade. Keenan Allen is headed your way, and you can’t believe this dude is willing to let him go for Melvin Gordon and Marvin Jones Jr.! The pieces are all falling into place. You’re going to dominate this league. They aren’t even going to know what hit them.

Then, reality sets in. The same thing that happens to you every year happens to you this year. Allen gets hurt. So do Charles and Lacy. You dropped Jay Ajayi in favor of picking up Charcandrick West thinking that West would get some play while Charles was out and that Spencer Ware may not hold on to the starting spot. You drafted Josh Gordon late — zero points for that pick. Cam Newton has done nothing for you at quarterback. Gronk missed the first few weeks, and you even put him in for his start against the Bills... you know, the one where he was nothing more than a decoy? And to pour a little salt in the wound, you drafted Blair Walsh as your kicker.

You can’t seem to escape your fantasy ineptitude. It doesn’t matter what your strategy is, how you prepare or what you wear to the draft, your team is always snakebitten. Your husband or wife is sick of hearing about it. Your dentist doesn’t care. The receptionist at work is tired of picking names out of a hat because that’s how you’re deciding to pick up free agents now since you clearly have no idea what you’re doing. The people in your league have nicknamed you FM, which you thought was alright until you realized it stands for “free money.”

So, I have a solution for you. Quit. Stop playing fantasy. Enjoy time with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Go to brunch because brunch is the best. Don’t stress over setting your lineup or debating between dropping Ajayi or Arian Foster and making the wrong decision, dropping Ajayi only to have Foster announce his retirement midseason. Enjoy Sundays. Enjoy football in its simplicity. Laugh at others when they stress the way you used to. Don’t worry about which league has which scoring system when you’re drafting. Don’t get sucked into playing in eight leagues because you can’t say no and you figure you’ll win one if you have eight chances. 

Just quit playing. Your husband or wife will thank you. Your co-workers will thank you. Your optometrist will thank you. Your cashier at the grocery store will thank you. Most importantly of all, your wallet will thank you. In fact, the only people who will be upset that you quit fantasy will be your grandpa, who is going to call you a pathetic quitter, and your “friends” who have labeled you “FM” because now they have to find a new sucker to give them money every year.

It's the only path to fantasy football sanity. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise.