The NFL season's biggest news as explained by Lady Gaga

The season kicked off the way that last season ended: with a new chapter in the bad Kraft/Goodell slash fiction that is Deflategate. Despite agreeing to the punishment earlier, the Patriots organization and its fans began the season by whining about not having their golden boy in for the first four games — never mind the fact that three out of those four games were against the Bills, the Texans and the Dolphins. Hopefully, after this season, it'll be water under the bridge and people on Reddit's r/terriblenflfanfiction can go back to shipping Robert Kraft and Roger Goodell.

"Born This Way" – The Cleveland Browns manage to win a game; just one, though

I'll be honest. At the beginning of the season, I was excited about the Cleveland Browns. I really was. I thought that Terrelle Pryor would revitalize the offense and their defense would take enough steps forward to at least maybe give them some sort of glimpse at a possible wild card spot.

I was right about Terrelle Pryor, but I couldn't have been more wrong about everything else. Whomever the Browns decided to start at quarterback, whether it was Rorbert Griffin III or Cody Kessler, couldn't really find a rhythm, and the defense was woefully unprepared to deal with, well, any sort of NFL-caliber offense. They only managed to win one game this season. If they hadn't, they would have been the first team in history to go winless in both the regular season and in the preseason. Maybe it's in their DNA — that the Browns will always be a factory of sadness, failing to even be historic losers and instead just entering the history books as another terrible 1-15 team.

"Boys Boys Boys" – Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot make the 2016-2017 Cowboys season a historic one

Despite an early bow-out of the playoffs, the Dallas Cowboys should scare fans of any other NFC team. The rookie duo of Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot set about a billion rookie records this season — among them, records for completion percentage, passer rating, regular-season wins, and touchdowns and rushing yards (for a Cowboys rookie). The Cowboys drafted themselves an unbelievably young core in the duo, and if the offensive line plays as well as it did this season next year, they'll waltz into the playoffs again.

"The Fame" – The Miami Dolphins crown a new Superstar in Jay Ajayi

The Miami Dolphins' postseason hopes ended ignominiously this year after a blowout loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers, but despite that fact, Miami fans can take some solace that they have one of the most dynamic and exciting backs in the league in Jay Ajayi. This season, he was at times as hard to take down as his last name is to spell, breaking the 200-yard mark three times and notching eight touchdowns on the season.

He was wildly inconsistent, which explains his mediocre season total of 1,272 rushing yards, but if Ajayi can break off more games like his two-touchdown, 204-yard effort against the Steelers, the Dolphins may not bow out of the playoffs so early next year.

"Paparazzi" – Carson Wentz is really good, until people start to pay attention

The wheels fell off the Wentz Wagon after just two weeks. And though Wentz isn't a bad quarterback by any stretch of the imagination, Eagles fans can't help but be jealous of their NFC East rivals and their golden boy Dak Prescott.

Of course, it didn't help his case that they never really had much of a run game to speak of and their offensive line was mediocre at times, but at the end of the day, the quarterback takes the blame for the struggles of the team. Luckily, Eagles fans are known around the country for being patient and even-tempered, so they'll probably give Wentz the time he needs to mature.

"'Til It Happens To You" – Both of last year's Super Bowl teams miss the playoffs

It's happened before, but it's incredibly surprising that the two teams that were unquestionably the best in the NFL last year both missed the playoffs.

The Carolina Panthers were largely the same team as they were last year, but they couldn't seem to keep Cam Newton upright, and their defense lacked that edge that made them so dominant last year.

On the Denver side, things are a bit dicier. The Broncos won their Super Bowl last year despite Peyton Manning, not because of him. It was very much a defense-led team. And as much as Broncos fans might want to blame Trevor Siemian or Paxton Lynch for this season's failures, part of the blame has to lie with the running back corps and the offensive line as well for making the Broncos' attack so incredibly one-dimensional. Siemian was consistently asked to pass the ball between 40 and 50 times per game. That's not healthy.

"Teeth" – The Seahawks' offense isn't enough anymore

Speaking of strong defenses and sputtering offenses, let's talk about the Seattle Seahawks. Russell Wilson had a very up-and-down year — some weeks it appeared as though he had finally found his rhythm again, putting points on the board at will, but then other weeks, he would be held touchdown-less, like against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. As the season reached an end for the Seahawks, it became obvious that without a running threat like Marshawn Lynch, the Seattle offense has lost its teeth and struggles to put up enough points to win games — even if the defense does the job.

"Million Reasons" – The 49ers are in shambles

If I told you at the beginning of the season that Colin Kaepernick was actually playing relatively decently for San Francisco, you'd expect that the team would actually have a decent future, right?

Well... uh... no.

There's a million reasons the 49ers are a mess. Their front office is a wreck. Their owner refuses to take any responsibility. Their head coaching search has been complicated by the fact that their top candidate just happens to be Kyle Shanahan, who is pretty busy at the moment being the offensive coordinator for the Super Bowl-bound Falcons. They just hired John Lynch as GM, which may stop the bleeding somewhat, but to be completely honest, the organization seems dysfunctional from the top down.

"Money Honey" – Everyone's moving

Angeleno football fans must feel like they made a wish on a monkey's paw. Do you still want a football team now that you've seen what it's really like to have one?

Well, too bad. Now you have two. At least the Chargers aren't as aggressively mediocre as the Rams, but I can't imagine that this is the way to get people in Los Angeles excited about football.

Oh, and by the way, the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas by 2020 since NFL owners are terrible people who want to bilk taxpayers out of every cent they can.

"Bad Kids" – The Oakland Raiders would have been a lot scarier if their QB was healthy

Oh, and speaking of the Raiders, it really is a shame that they weren't at full strength during the postseason. They were one of the most pleasant surprises this season, a potent offense making up for the weaknesses of an inconsistent defense — primarily via the arm of Derek Carr.

When he was injured just before the last game of the season, it seemed clear that we weren't going to get the promised Raiders-Patriots postseason matchup we all wanted so badly.

But if there's any upside here, it's that the Raiders are still a bunch of young kids, and the team will likely only improve over the offseason.

"The Edge of Glory" – The Atlanta Falcons defy the narrative and make the Super Bowl

We've all seen the movie before. Up through November, Matt Ryan and Julio Jones would lead the Atlanta Falcons to victory after victory on the strength of a terrifying offense that makes up for the weaknesses of the defense. Then, as soon as December hits, they would regress. Opposing defenses would key in on Julio, lock down the running game and end the Falcons' playoff hopes. Just like every year.

Only this year, it didn't happen. The Falcons didn't stop winning. Their offense improved, somehow. And so did their defense. This leaves Atlanta fans in uncharted waters. They're not used to winning. And yet, here they stand on the edge of glory, hanging on a moment with the rest of us as they await the kickoff to Super Bowl LI.