NBA Weekend Awards: Who will win The Popov Vodka Medal?

Popov Vodka Medal: For cheap shots. This goes to Kelly Oubre, for his running start and two-handed shove to Kelly Olynyk. It was a cheap shot, but Oubre also reacted like he’d had too many cheap shots. Oubre got hit hard on a screen, and his response was as clear-headed as a guy who’d just downed a Solo cup full of jungle juice. He sprinted full speed and crashed into Olynyk, who collapsed like a fraternity pledge. Oubre also collided with the official, the NBA equivalent of punching a bouncer during a bar fight. After being ejected, he presumably drunk-dialed every girl in his phone and begged a teammate to take him to the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Oubre also got suspended from Game 4, when the Wizards got very little from their bench but still won handily. If he can distill his rage down to a manageable level of aggression, he could be very potent as part of the mix in the Wizards’ second unit. Time to show his teammates some proof.

The Montezuma’s Revenge Award: For unstoppable runs. To the Washington Wizards, who put together a 22-0 stretch in Game 3, which made Brad Stevens sick to his stomach on the sidelines. The team looked dehydrated and listless, especially Marcus Smart. Which happens sometimes when you’re traveling so much. In fact, the whole team suffered travel problems, like losing possessions, and being assaulted by foreigners like Bojan Bogdanovic

It didn’t get any better in Game 4, when the third quarter saw a 26-0 Wizards run. Any time John Wall got the ball, he pushed through their defensive system with no resistance. Wall, Markieff Morris, and Otto Porter kept jarring the ball loose. Jae Crowder got quick fouls and had to sit down for long stretches. The Wizards kept leaking out in transition, getting easy buckets and splashing in jumpers, while Boston looked wiped. It showed impressive intestinal fortitude from Washington, and as for Boston? They just played crappy.

La Médaille de Macron: For dominating the French center. To Kevin Durant, who put up 38 points on the presumptive Defensive Player of the Year, Rudy Gobert. Durant constantly ran pick-and-rolls right at Gobert, first blowing by him as he backpedaled, and then pulling up for open jumpers when Gobert started cheating back to the rim. Durant also challenged Gobert on the glass, finishing just two rebounds shy of Gobert’s 15 boards, and also in the paint, as the two exchanged shoves in the 4th quarter. He took a lot of liberties, but for Durant, there was no fraternity on this night, as he also had run-ins with a fan, a referee, and even the Utah’s bear mascot. Pardon my French, but when a player tells a mascot to “get the f--- off the court,” he’s really fired up.

The Fisher King Trophy: For most inspirational hobo. To Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, who devoted 100% of his  time to solving the Rockets’ three-and-free-throw offense and 0% of his time to his personal grooming. The Spurs’ Game One defense was abominable, so Coach Pop modeled his look on the Abominable Snowman. He combed through game film, and refused to comb his hair. But it kept with the team’s philosophy: San Antonio’s bigs refused to show on the pick-and-roll, and stuck to the Rockets’ shooters. Popovich refused to do anything showy with his tieless suit and shirt, and stuck his head head in a wind tunnel before games.

Perhaps he was trying to curry favor with the officials, who as always whistled a lot of fouls on James Harden. Could Pop’s smaller, but even wilder beard turn the tide with the referees? Or maybe he was using Bernie Sanders as a style icon, although Pop has always benefited from big bank shots. (Tim Duncan was too big to fail.) Or maybe Coach Pop had his hair tousled by Kawhi Leonard’s giant hands one too many times, and completely despaired of keeping it order again.

John Mayer Medal: For excellence in rebounding. Just as Mayer is always there whenever a Hollywood starlet or music prodigy has her heart broken, so too was Clint Capela there this weekend anytime one of the famous wings in this series had a broken jumper. Capela racked up 16 rebounds Friday and 9 more on Sunday — and it would have been more had Houston not shot a sizzling 53%. Friday, he even added 12 points and a career-high five blocks, which Mayer only delivers on Twitter. The Rockets live or die based on their outside shooting, but Capela’s board-crashing effectively gives them extra lives. Plus, when the defense pays too much attention, that’s when Capela runs through the lanes of the Spurs defense, and screams at the top of his lungs. If the Rockets can get to the conference finals, maybe Taylor Swift will even write a song about him.

The Quentin Tarantino Acting Prize: For worst performance in a classic. To Ian Mahinmi, who managed to put up a -13 in a game his team won by 19. He did not make a shot from the field in his 18 minutes of play. Mahinmi split a pair of free throws, which represented the sum total of their scoring. Near the end of the third quarter, Mahinmi had a chance to add to his point total, but he was rejected by the stout interior defense of the rim itself. He looked so wooden, he might as well have been wearing a ratty bathrobe and talking about how good his coffee was. At least he didn’t attempt an Australian accent.

In Game 3, Washington won by 29, but Mahinmi did manage to end up +1, with two points and two blocks. For the weekend, he had more fouls than rebounds. But Washington needed bodies, and that’s literally all Mahinmi provided: his carcass, shuffling up and down the court, making sure that the Wizards were playing the mandated five players at once. But unless he can step up his game, they might as well give his role to Steve Buscemi.