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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Aaron Gordon drones on and on and on
Aaron Gordon of the Orlando Magic dunks the ball with assistance from a drone during the Slam Dunk Contest during All-Star Saturday Night on February 18, 2017. The dunk wasn't as exciting as one would think it would be. Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Aaron Gordon drones on and on and on

The NBA has established hotline, where players can call to complain about the work of NBA referees. They can air grievances, dispute foul calls, and plead their case about technical fouls and ejections. It’s like the phone lines your congressman has for their constituents, though the messages are about Solomon Hill not Capitol Hill Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are about as real as Brooklyn's trade proposal for Boogie. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: an NBA superstar is about to fall victim to the most disastrous drone activity since Trevor Bauer's bloodied hand in the ALCS.

Re: Aaron Gordon vs. The Drone

Dear Mr. Gordon,

We received your complaint asking the referees to assess a “double dribble” violation on the drone that passed you the ball for your dunk. Mr. Gordon, a robot can’t commit a penalty. The drone didn’t make you miss all your other dunks. The drone didn’t convince every other contestant to dunk over lined-up people. And the drone didn’t use the dunk contest for the most ill-advised sports promotion since Dan from “Dan vs. Dave” didn’t even make the Olympic team. Obviously we have the same answer regarding your request for a "technical foul."

How about this? You can watch a referee try to make a call, but miss, over and over, reloading his whistle between each attempt, while Dominique Wilkins watches in disappointment.

Robotically yours, NBA Referee Hotline

P.S. Your fourth-place trophy will be delivered by drone between 12-2 p.m. Thursday afternoon. 

Re: Vivek Ranadive vs. New Orleans Pelicans

Dear Mr. Ranadive,

We have reviewed all the footage and documentation of your recent trade with New Orleans, and we have concluded that it was a clean steal. There was no illegal contact with DeMarcus Cousins, nor did the Pelicans “reach in” their trove of assets to complete the deal. In addition, we are puzzled by your assertion that Buddy Hield is deceptively old, because went “over and back across the timeline.” The time line is merely the half court marker, and has nothing to do with the space-time continuum. Buddy Hield is merely a 23-year-old rookie.

As for your other questions, it is indeed legal to play 4-on-5 on defense, with one player not participating in the defensive end at all. In fact, with Mr. Hield in your starting lineup, the Kings will effectively be playing 4-on-5 anyway. Also, neither the old or new CBA has a provision for calling “backsies.”

Your buddy, NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Russell Westbrook vs. Kevin Durant

Dear Mr. Westbrook & Mr. Durant,

We would first like to say that it is so nice to see the two of you getting along! I’m glad you both got to spend time with your friend James this weekend, though we wish he’d take better care of the ball. And his beard.

We don’t want to betray your confidence, but Kevin, Russell called to ask what kind of camera lens you wanted for an All-Star present. And Russell, Kevin called to see what size alligator-skin vest you wore. But Kevin sold his camera to buy that vest, and Russell sold his alligator-skin pants to buy the lens! You both sacrificed the things you both love most, besides 4th quarter isolation plays. It’s like that O. Henry story: “The Lopsided Trade of the Magi.”

The lesson is, you two love each other. We know that you are rivals on the court and the divorce has been hard, but it’s clear that there’s still a lot of affection. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

Also, you’re both millionaires. You don’t have to sell your stuff to buy gifts for each other!

Thunderously yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: James Harden vs. Giannis Antetokounmpo

Dear Mr. Harden,

We regret to tell you that it is in fact legal to play defense in the All-Star Game. Most players don’t, but it is not a rules violation to steal the ball from another player. It was spectacular and embarrassing, but we cannot assess a flagrant foul simply because someone hurt your pride.

Perhaps you and Giannis could share a smoothie together? Be careful - he may snatch your beverage out of your hands and dump it down his throat.

Freakishly yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Re: Sean’s Dad vs. The NBA All-Star Game

Dear Mr. Keane,

Thank you for your repeated calls, many of which just said “Travel! That’s traveling! They never call traveling!” Mr. Keane, the NBA has a looser interpretation of the traveling rule in an exhibition game like the All-Star Game. We believe the fans tune in to see spectacular athleticism and dunks, not a lot of whistles and penalties. Officially, a player is allowed two additional steps upon completion of a dribble. They’re allowed three if they dunk afterward, four if it’s uncontested, and five if it’s LeBron in the 4th quarter.

In the All-Star Game, a player would have to literally take the ball, book an international flight, and go through customs before a referee would blow the whistle. Please stop yelling “That’s traveling!” at the TV screen and your son.

Come on, Dad! NBA Referee Hotline

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