NBA Hotline Bling: Dion Waiters is relentless with the redial

Dear Mr. Waiters,

Thank you for your call. We did review the video in question and we believe Klay Thompson did not foul you on your game-winning three-pointer Monday night. Congratulations on your victory. 

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Sean Spicer & the Washington Wizards

Dear Mr. Spicer, 

Thank you for your query about the attendance numbers for Wednesday’s Wizards-Grizzlies game. Despite your vehement objections, we are comfortable with our official total of 15,057, rather than your estimate of “way more than a million fans.”

First of all, the maximum capacity of the Verizon Center for basketball is only 20,356. There’s simply no way that a million fans would fit inside, and it would be a tremendous fire code violation. We’ve enclosed a photo showing a sold-out crowd from the 2015 playoffs side-by-side with a photo from last Wednesday, where you can clearly see many hundreds of empty seats. No, it has not been “Photoshopped by the Dippin' Dots media,” whatever that means. 

In addition, we find no evidence that John Wall lost the all-star vote to Kyrie Irving due to “3-5 million fraudulent votes from immigrants.” The Wizards scored 104 points in that game, not 35,000. And Washington mascot G. Wiz is not a real animal, just a man in a costume, so despite your threat, there’s no way to take him off the endangered species list.

For future reference, an electronic message is known as an “email,” not an “alternative fax.”

Spicily yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Dwyane Wade and DeMarcus Cousins

Dear Mr. Cousins,

Thank you for your remarkably polite phone call after the late-game foul was called on you. We have reviewed the tape, and determined that foul was called in error. Thank you presenting your side so calmly and respectfully! Also, Haywoode Workman got the flowers and the gift card you sent for his birthday, and he sends his thanks.

We have to ask: Is something wrong, DeMarcus? You didn’t punch anything or lecture a beat reporter, and after the game, you said the referees deserved more recognition, and you applauded them. Are you feeling ill? Are you getting any unexplained headaches, or shortness of breath? Is there weakness in one or both arms, or any slurring of speech?

DeMarcus, we very much appreciate your call and the beautiful poem that you read at the end of it. But we also think you should report to the team physician right away because we are worried about the sudden change in behavior since our last chat.

Concernedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Dion Waiters, followup

Dear Mr. Waiters, 

Again, we have reviewed the footage of your game-winning shot many times and still do not see Klay Thompson committing a foul. We also looked at the tape of all 33 of your points and did not see any impropriety. As a side note, one of the reviewers commented that you shared the ball well. 

Respectfully yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Gregg Popovich and Emmanuel Mudiay 

Dear Mr. Mudiay,

We want to make sure you know that you do not have the power to eject opposing coaches. While you did indeed make an ejection gesture towards Coach Popovich, that was only because a referee had already assessed a second technical foul. We noticed you attempt to personally eject Doc Rivers in the third quarter of Saturday’s game, and then make repeated traveling calls against Tom Thibodeau on Monday. In addition, an assistant coach cannot commit a goaltending violation, so there was no reason to wag your finger at Rick Brunson like that. But don’t worry about it, it’s chill man.

We also want to thank you for sending over those artisan chocolates from Denver. We’ve never heard of 3 Hempketeers bars but they’ve been extremely popular - and extremely relaxing - in the office.

Peace out, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Gregg Popovich and Emmanuel Mudiay 

Dear Coach Popovich, 

Thank you for your comments on your recent ejection, but we need slightly more context. When you said, “You have to ref better,” would you care to expand on that? You also said, “I should react better” again, that’s almost too terse to be illuminating. One of our representatives attempted to contact you by phone, but all you said was “Yes,” “No,” and then a series of non-verbal grunts. What did you mean by those?

We eagerly await your answers to these questions after the first or third quarter.

YT, NRH 

Re: Dion Waiters, one last time 

Dear Mr. Waiters, 

Thank you for clarifying that you made your calls only to make “super duper 100% sure” we saw your game-winner. Yes we did. Many times. However, in the future, this line is for referee complaints, not bragging about “sticking it right in Steph Curry’s dumb face.” For the record, we do not believe that his face is dumb. 

Yelling “World Star!!!” at the end of your call make no sense. We are blocking this number. 

Tersely yours, NBA Referee Hotline