By Life on Tobacco Road – In case you haven’t noticed boys and girls, it’s Election Day! Today we exercise our patriotic right and cast our vote to determine the leaders of our country, our state, our city, and, in some cases, our local animal control department. [i] But you already know all of that. So instead of talking about which candidate can do more for the economy or fix foreign relations with Azbukistan [ii], let’s make fun of them instead. And since this is a sports blog, and I’m a sports fan, let’s use sports as our avenue for humor.
So without further ado, I present to you the first [iii] ever DukeHoopBlog guide to the election, where we take the candidates you couldn’t pick out of a lineup and give them a relevant sports equivalent. It’s our way of giving back to you, the reader. And it’s fun.
Mitt Romney – Candidate for President of the United States
Did you know that Mitt Romney has been running for President since 2007? No really, it’s true. And, unfortunately for him, he’s not going to make it this time either[iv]. So close, but not quite. Reminds me of a certain coach…
Sports Equivalent: Seth Greenberg
That’s right. Mitt Romney is to politics what Seth Greenberg was to college basketball. Who else was so well liked among his peers, yet never thought of as elite? Who else had such a long stretch of consistency, yet never fully tasted success? Who else has impressive stables of daughters like these two?[v] I rest my case.
Rick Perry – Governor of Texas, failed Candidate for the Republican Presidential Nomination
Rick Perry won’t be on anyone’s ballot this fall, as he’s not up for re-election down in Texas until 2014, but the man’s gift with words cannot be ignored. It’s tough to find anyone who can match this silver tongued wordsmith. Well, except for this guy…
Sports Equivalent: Lou Holtz
Good ole’ Lou. Now, I’m not really sure that Lou misspeaks with the same zeal and fervor that Governor Perry does, but that’s just because I can’t understand the little leprechaun when he gets all excited. It’s like those years coaching in Arkansas did something to his mind that frayed the connection between Lou’s mouth and his brain. Pretty sure that connection doesn’t even exist with Governor Perry.
Anthony Weiner – Former Congressman from the State of New York
Weiner is best known for the picture he tweeted of his, um… well… just Google it if you’re inclined.[vi] He resigned shortly thereafter. His decade plus in Congress didn’t yield much in terms of important legislation, save for this bill, for which he had my undying support. He was also notorious for staff turnover, and really when I think of defections from a program, I think of no other than…
Sports Equivalent: Jeff Bzdelik
I mean, is there any other coach in America more adept at running off players than Bzdelik has been at Wake? I don’t think so. Plus, I guarantee you that Congressman Weiner had this exact same expression after he sent that ill fated tweet.
Walter Dalton – Candidate for Governor of North Carolina
In case you didn’t know, ole’ Walter [vii] is getting creamed right now in the gubernatorial race by Pat McCrory, and he really has only one person to blame for this: Bev Perdue. Perdue sabotaged his chances at the Governor’s Mansion with her ineptitude, and then bolted as soon as the damage was done. And from that standpoint, only one man could be his sports doppelganger…
Sports Equivalent: Gary Williams
Of course this scenario wouldn’t be complete without the master saboteur herself, Debbie Yow. While Dalton hasn’t had as much success in politics as Williams had in basketball, the two at least can find comfort in blaming their failures on strong-willed and “successful” women, who both love to wear red.
Barack Obama – President of the United States
In all fairness, I really couldn’t leave off the President, especially this one. I say that because, this president is endowed with the biggest, widest set of…ears heretofore seen on a professional politician. I can think of only one other person whose Dumbo impression could give the President a run for his money…
Sports Equivalent: Tyler Zeller
[i] Unless you voted early, in which case tomorrow is the day you get to go drive by your local polling place and laugh at all the suckers in the long ass lines.
[ii] It’s a real country… no really, Google it… alright, I made it up. But damn if it doesn’t sound like some former Soviet state with good vodka, cheap women, lots of sheep and tons of broken down Yugos.
[iii] And probably last.
[iv] That is if you believe Nate Silver. Or polling data. Or conventional wisdom. But hey, Mitt still has a chance! Right!? Right?
[v] Yeah, yeah, I know. Mitt’s are daughters-in-law. And yeah, they’re not terribly impressive. But how else was I suppose to work in a picture of Seth’s girls?
[vi] Just be prepared to be labeled a meat peeper if you do.
[vii] If you haven’t noticed, I’m a big fan of “ole’” for any southern male over the age of 40. I just can’t help myself.